“My husband forces me to watch porn before sex”

Questions: My husband gets turned on by porn, but I totally dislike it. He always pushes me to watch porn before we start sex and honestly I’m not turned on, in fact it makes me feel sick. I haven’t been able to tell him clearly as I don’t want him to feel embarrassed about it. I want to approach the topic safely. What should I do?

Answer from Dr Chandni Tugnait: Hi, thank you for writing to us. It is understandable how frightening this situation can be for you.

It can be difficult to approach topics like this with your partner, especially when you’re worried about hurting his feelings or embarrassing him. But the fact is, if this is something that is important to him, then you need to find a way to make it work for both of you.

There are a few things you can do to broach the subject safely. The first step is to understand why he is attracted to porn in the first place. Is it because he likes the visual stimulation? The novelty of seeing new bodies? The taboo about it? Once you understand what it is about porn that turns him on, you can start looking for alternatives that can give him the same level of excitement.

Second, try to avoid judgmental language and instead focus on how you feel. For example, instead of saying “I hate porn,” you could say “I don’t like watching porn.” This will help your husband feel more comfortable opening up about his own views on the subject. Have an authentic communication with him.

Third, be prepared to compromise. If you struggle to come to an agreement, this does not mean that you must end the relationship or that there is something wrong with either of you as a couple. If your husband likes to watch porn, maybe there is a way you can find a middle ground that meets both of your needs. For example, you can agree to watch one video together or watch pictures instead of videos. Or maybe he can watch porn without involving you, or maybe you can watch certain types of porn that don’t make you feel uncomfortable.

By working together toward a common goal, you can hopefully find a way to enjoy an exciting and satisfying sexual relationship despite your differences in opinion about pornography. The most important thing is that both of you are honest and open about your feelings about pornography.

Finally, I would recommend that if you/your husband are looking for a change in perspective or are unable to process the thoughts, feelings, and turmoil surrounding the situation, consider seeking therapy. It may be helpful to consult with a therapist who can help you navigate these difficult conversations. Don’t shy away from asking for help. I hope this helps!

Dr. Chandni Tugnait is MD (Alternative Medicine), Psychotherapist, Life Coach, Business Coach, NLP Expert, Healer, Founder and Director – Gateway of Healing, with centers in Gurgaon and Faridabad.

Do you want expert advice for your relationship? Email us at expertadvice.toi@gmail.com

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